Did you know that there are currently more gender options available on Facebook than there are countries in Europe (and that’s not including non E.U shit hole monstrosities like El Salvador and Haiti either, obviously)
Though saying that, Sweden isn’t exactly a shining example of a culturally enriched euphoria either.
Speaking of a politically correct socialist state, did you know that Facebook has a whooping 71 genders to choose from? So, if you woke up today feeling like a hamster with boobs or a non-binary asteroid, Facebook probably has the right gender for you. Yet, despite the amount of options available, it can be a rather daunting task to choose your preferred pronoun and equally matching body part to compliment it.
Well here at Brainstain, we understand the struggle in navigating the complex gender maze, so we thought we would make this head scratching left wing propaganda, a little bit more tolerable.
So watch those pronouns, and tuck in that mansplaining bulge, here is the Undiplomatic Guide to the 71 Genders on Facebook.
Asexual – You basically aren’t getting laid with the appropriate (or inappropriate) body part region anytime soon. You hate sex; in fact, you loathe any sort of physical contact with anything remotely post-adolescent. Just the thought of bare naked skin sends shivers down your quavering ovaries and even a slight touch of the knee is enough to make you break out in a rash of Ebola.
Female to male trans man – That testosterone doesn’t come cheap you know! Now it’s time to start investing in a good inflatable penis and steroids.
Female to male transgender man – For those that want to experience male privilege (and false rape accusations).
Female to male transsexual man – Just like most lesbians, but only more butch. Probably looks a bit like Ellen DeGeneres wearing a shoulder padded blazer.
F2M – Basically a lazy abbreviated way in stating that you were born with the wrong sexual organs. Anyone that can only be bothered to write F2M on their Facebook profile doesn’t deserve to have a NHS funded surgically altered sex change quite frankly.
Gender neutral – No sex, no gender and assumably no sexual organs either? You are basically a vegan nomad that doesn’t belong anywhere.
Hermaphrodite – You have a penis AND a vagina, so does that mean you can now sexually assault yourself and claim compensation and a book deal?
Intersex man – Is it a cock or is it a fanny? Actually it’s a Frankenstein monster of sexual anatomies. We’re still not sure what it means to tell you the truth.
Intersex person – The more gender fluid way of saying your genitals / reproductive organs are comparable to that of a labour supporter. Totally f*cked and utterly deluded!
Intersex woman – The more female empowering way of saying, “is that a sock in your panties or are you just looking for a sexual misconduct lawsuit today?”
Male to female trans woman – On route to that surgically constructed vagina. Probably the only time you can generally state that your pussy is made of steel (and out of tax payers’ money)
Male to female transgender woman – Just like Caitlyn Jenner, just not as white privileged, well-endowed and filthy stinking rich.
Male to female transsexual woman – Part man, part woman, but still has a big penis tucked in between their legs, so basically a sloppy reject from RuPaul’s Drag Race with a 5 0’clock shadow and an even bigger Adams apple.
Man – An extinct species and should be reserved and handled with care.
M2F – Another lazy and abbreviated way to state that you are quite possibly a transsexual prostitute. Good for catchy marketing slogans however.
Polygender – The voices in your head are telling you that you are a bloke this morning, by the evening you might be rainbow coloured giraffe complete with animal rights and your own enclosed cage in the city Zoo.
T* man – Erm… a transsexual spilling the T maybe? Who the f*uk knows at this point!
T* woman – Could be the name of Marvel’s latest feminist misogyny fighting superhero that destroys men with her E.U regulated laser shooting pussy! Or could be just another mentally confused woman who quite frankly doesn’t know who the f*ck she is today!
Two* person – A person who is most likely possessed by some sort of demon or ghost. A bit like the exorcist, just more vegan friendly, perhaps?
Two-spirit person – A person who is most likely possessed by some sort of animal like creature infected with rabies. Should really call the RSPCA and seek help to rescue the poor soul of the animal trapped inside.
Woman – The most privileged, unequalled and socially superior hormonal gender that receives special treatment over their inferior male counterparts. Approach with caution, especially during that time of the month or when looking to sue for sexual harassment. Quite possibly an Oprah Winfrey fan.
Agender – An extra-terrestrial life form that holds the extraordinary ability of having no distinctive gender and not having to pee like the rest of us cis-mortals.
Androgyne – They will happily wear girls’ knickers and boys’ pants from the jumble sale and can be seen late at night practicing satanic black rituals and sticking needles into Donald Trump voodoo dolls, while huddled together in the cubicles of the gender neutral toilets.
Androgynes – Don’t you dare call them a boy or a girl; they are a non-socially confirmed mix-match of the repercussions of not wearing a condom.
Androgynous – They are indeterminate of sex and gender and briskly float round like bacteria in the air. Can only be seen from afar with binoculars.
Bigender – A bit like when you get utterly intoxicated and your drunken persona comes out after one too many toxic masculinity pints down the pub.
Cis – Cisgender is a term for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. So those European Union nurses we shipped over from Romania have been doing a pretty shit job if this list is anything to go by.
Cis Female – The nurse saw a little vagina in between your legs, the nurse ticked the girl box on your birth certificate. You are now a girl. Ta da!
Cis Male – The nurse saw a little penis in between your legs, the nurse ticked the boy box on your birth certificate. You are now a boy. Ta da!
Cis Man – You are a male privileged bastard! Pay us our sexual misconduct compensation, you sexist pig!
Cis Woman – Cis Women don’t want special treatment and want to be treated equally to their cis-male counterparts. However, they do want them to open the door, pay for all their food and drinks on a first date, to offer complimentary seating on a crowded tube and to protect their identity when falsely accusing cis gender men of rape, after they refuse to proceed with the three previous demands. Feminism!
Cisgender – A bit like the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the cultural appropriated African Lion from The Wizard of Oz. They all know their assigned parts and know how to play them well. Though in saying that, those ruby slippers do look totally fierce!
Cisgender Female – A villainous creature who claims to want equality yet actually wants to take over the world. Just ask Beyoncé, girls run the world… Allegedly!
Cisgender Man – Made from dust by God / Allah / Zeus / Odin and the 28,000,000 other deities in his / her / their own image.
Cisgender Male – But saying that, if we were made in the image of one of the possible deities, wouldn’t it have been more practical to have four arms and an elephant trunk like that Hindu god, Ganesha!? Just saying!
Cisgender Woman – Is it sexist and reprehensible that a cisgender woman was made from a rip of a man?
Female to Male – An extra, extra butch lesbian that took the “put the tail on the donkey” party game a little bit too literally.
FTM – If you can’t be bothered to use the full adjective then why should we acknowledge your existence!?
Gender Fluid – A person who is made of slippery liquid gloop and the arch nemesis of Piers Morgan.
Gender Nonconforming – They WILL use the female toilets because they do not conform to the social constrains of masculinity stereotypes and using the urinals, and you will NOT be able to stop them.
Gender Questioning – A mentally confused person. Approach with caution and with pepper spray.
Gender Variant – A metamorphosis life form who can’t decide if they are an apple tree or a flowery bush.
Genderqueer – A left wing, vegan, screaming prancing queen whose vocabulary consists of “YASS QUEEN” and “Sashay Away” while regurgitating rainbow unicorn dust. Probably a Lady Gaga fan, as well.
Intersex – A mythological creature. Quite possibly fictitious and imaginary. A bit like Jesus, really!
Male to Female – Properly called Chardonnay or Honey.
MTF –Another lackadaisical way in stating that you are a benefit claiming transvestite from Transylvania. Where’s Nigel Farage when you need him!?
Neither – Assumably a rejected villain from Dr. Who.
Neutrois – Probably some kind of illegal migrant from an unpronounceable 3rd world country where homosexuals are still flung off rooftop buildings.
Non-binary – A bleeding-heart liberal, soy drinking flannel wearing hipster resembling a youthful Jeremy Corbyn. Probably called Fox or Owl and pees sitting down because society is a slave to the patriarchy.
Other – Another rejected Dr. Who villain!?
Pangender – Quite possibly a psychopath or a Hillary Clinton supporter (or both)
Trans – Has more of a chance in winning a Golden Globe for Best Director than any natural woman since Barbra Streisand.
Trans Female –Halal version available.
Trans Male – Probably has a moustache and reads Buzzfeed.
Trans Man – A convincingly effeminate man who even Harvey Weinstein would find hard to suss out.
Trans Person – The kind of person that finds baby gender reveal parties’ offensive since gender is a social construct yet undergoes surgery to modify their body parts in the end.
Trans*Female – Last seen drinking gender neutral semen in 2 trans and 1 cup.
Trans*Male – Parents were impregnated and probed by aliens which resulted in squirmy flesh lumps.
Trans*Man – Those “he” and “she” pronouns come with a certain set of expectations about how someone should express their identity and relate to the world, but looking as rough as Phil Mitchell is totally not a gender construct.
Trans*Person – The only way to close the gender pay gap is to get a surgically erected penis. Or if worse comes to worse, a strap on will do.
Trans*Woman – Likely to be found in one of the 55 No Go Zones in Sweden bare foot, in the kitchen and wearing a burqa.
Transexual – Most likely to appear on Celebrity Big Brother playing the victim card. Case in point, India Willoughby on the UK Celebrity Big Brother.
Transexual Female – Has been seen lurking in the shadows in the female changing rooms with a suspect bulge poking out of their bodycon dress. Should probably start to work on their tucking in skills.
Transexual Male – Actual penis size is smaller than Donald Trump’s big red nuclear button.
Transexual Man – Actual penis size is roughly the same size as Kim Jong-un’s little pocket rocket.
Transexual Person – Wants to change their gender to the opposite sex but does not want to be gender labelled… right!?
Transexual Woman – Ends up looking like Rosie O’Donnell.
Transgender Female – Most likely to get their gender reconstruction surgery paid for via crowdfunding.
Transgender Person – Frustrated with the genitals they were born with so travels to some dodgy unlicensed clinic in Thailand to get them chopped off / sewn on depending on what gender they identify as excluding dolphins, of course.
Two-spirit – Proof that literate Vice reading Unicorns really do exist.
Transmasculine – Hulk Hogan in a dress.
Phew!!! After that mixed maze of menopause and manhood, do you identify as a hormonal hippopotamus, yet? Do you tick the boy box, the girl box, or the erm… the box that doesn’t exist because gender identity boxes are in fact, a social construct?
Let us know in the gender-neutral comments section down below and remember to watch those pronouns!
Story by Michael Lee
Featured Photo Credit: The Telegraph